Monthly Archives: March 2010
Ok, so I’m not so great at this blogging thing. I think once I get going, I’m ok, but the frequency of putting my thoughts to words have been few & far in between.
I have a feeling of being blessed today! I can remember a time, awhile back, when I would get up in the morning with an overwhelming feeling of dread. As soon as I opened my eyes, I could feel my whole body as a ton of bricks. It would take everything in me to get the motivation to cook up a pot of coffee and get it down. After the WHOLE pot, I would be good for a while, but it seemed as if I would CRASH in about 2-hours, if I even made it that long.
You see, I have the disease of addiction looming in my background. I have struggled with alcohol and it’s obsession for as long as I can remember. I have come to believe that alcohol is not my only vice. I am a smoker, and every time I try to quit, I seem to be smoking more (anyone who knows me can recall my famous line…”I sure have been smoking a lot since I’ve quit). Mind over matter? Probably!
I also recognize that when I’m sad, I like to eat. When I’m bored, I like to eat. When I’m happy, we need to go out to eat. Mind over matter? Probably!
I began my working career (or at least the one that I’m in now, and the only one I feel which really counts), over 15 years ago. I literally have put my sweat, heart & soul in this job. I fooled myself into believing that I NEEDED to put in 60 hours a week in order to provide for my family, as I was a single parent. That may be some-what, but, the true fact is that I had never felt more safe and removed from the general public, as when I was at the shop. I felt no one could touch me there. Mind over matter? Probably!
I had become controlled by all of my vices (glutton). I could not go anywhere unless I knew alcohol wouldn’t be served there; unless I had enough smokes in my pack; unless I had some food in my backpack; and unless my phone was on my hip, because work might call, and I may need to leave!
What kind of life is that? I wonder how many people in this world are controlled by their outside environments and/or vices? Where is the weak link? And, how can we break it?
I would like to hear from all my cyber-peeps….What’s your vice?
Are you a glutton for punishment?
A few weeks ago when attending a function at Northport, I was blessed to run into a big part of my past, that has been missing from my life today.
Last night I held a dinner party for 4. Dee Dee and I had the privilege of getting to know one of my kids again, along with his beautiful wife. I say one of my kids, because I have alway felt Mark was part of me and my kids’ life during a very fundamental era of becoming sober and creating who I am today. I got to know this young fellow when he was about 10 years old, and until the age of 18, I was his legal guardian.
I would like to think that I was an important part of his developement, but more importantly, I realized last night that he was more of an importance in my developement. During the time of separation after the age of 18, he has really become into himself, and has also gotten married. I truly had a good time with Mark and Jenny last night! I was very nervous throughout the day, with a lot of expectations. I had to tell myself many times through the day, “Grant me Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference”. Needless to say, everything worked out great.
During those years with Mark, he has given me so much of who I am today. He gave me the courage to go back into my hometown and fight for my biological kids, Cale, Coleman & Cleary. And, because I did that, I have a wonderful relation with them, and a great feeling of gratitude of what I have done for & with them.
Mark gave me the confidence in myself, and settled my inner spirit enough to realize that “I am a good parent”.
It’s easy to look back today, and see all that he (as a child) as given me. It’s easy to look at the big picture after you are removed from it, but in the midst of a lot of chaos during that period of my, I had no idea how much he had given me.
That, again, leads me to thoroughly believe that “everything happens for a reason”. It gives me a lot of hope that maybe I have been an important part of someone else’s journey, and don’t even know it. I can only hope, right? The true blessing after all is that we are all human beings, just trying to get by, a day at a time.
I have been, and am, truly lucky to have the people in my life today, that I call family & friends. AND now I have 2 more people to add!
It’s late, and I cannot sleep. Lots of stuff going through my mind as orders are starting to come in, and I’m very excited about that. In addition to keeping up with our orders, I am trying to do our wedding announcements. One month after our wedding, is my nieces wedding (huge catholic wedding) which I have had the honor of taking on the responsibility of her announcements, programs, etc. This is the time of year I have been waiting for, and our business appears to be taking off.
I would like nothing better than to quit my job and work JillCards, LLC full-time. It is a creative aspect of my life which gives me a lot of serenity, and peace.
We had a visitor today, and it was so exciting to see Ana again. Ana is a younger friend which we met through our recovery program. She has since moved on to participate in the rest of her life IN RECOVERY in another state, and I must say that she looks great. She seems to be at peace with herself and doing the best she can in this mixed up and crazy world. Way to go Ana….Good things come to those who do the “next right thing”.
Last weekend we traveled to Minnesota for a “girls getaway”. It was a fantastic weekend with good food and great company. We all did a lot of laughing, and we went away full, happy and content! We really should do that at least once every 6-months, as sort of soul a cleansing and renewing.
I hope everyone is doing well (and sleeping) and are healthy & fit.